Who hasn’t received (or written) a passive-aggressive email or two in their corporate careers? Phrases like “per my last email…” and “thanks in advance…” cram a multitude of subtext into a few short words. That’s probably why author Erica Dhawan’s piece on avoiding such language went viral on LinkedIn and Twitter recently.

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— Adam Grant (@AdamMGrant) September 23, 2021

Even before the pandemic, most people could have benefited from a brush-up on effective digital communication and email etiquette. After more than a year and a half stuck primarily in front of a computer screen, that digital refresher course is long overdue.

Dhawan, a sought-after speaker on 21st century teamwork and innovation and the author of Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance, shares some best practices for email, including how to ditch the passive aggression and embrace clear, professional communication.

Q: Can you tell us a little about your background?

A: As a shy, introverted Indian-American girl growing up in Pittsburgh, I struggled to find my voice and my place. I juggled two languages and two cultures, and, eventually, I learned the skills I needed to build connections across differences. I became fascinated with human connection. I’ve been studying teamwork and collaboration ever since. My childhood preoccupation with creating meaningful connections grew into an academic interest. I went on to teach courses in leadership and collaboration as a research fellow, first at Harvard and MIT. The research I contributed to during that time motivated me to start my own speaking business and scale it from a what-if idea into a global training company on high-performance collaboration. It’s been a journey of growth. At the start, I had no big speaking experience and no media connections. I was just an entrepreneur, asking: How can I get big things done?

Q: Why do you think your piece on passive-aggressive phrases in emails resonated so much?

A: It took me by storm when that piece went viral. I was excited to see how much buzz it generated and that it hit the heart of a deeper conversation. I think it resonated so much because we’ve spent almost two years navigating the digital workplace, and it’s illuminated that we need to all work together to reinvent a digital body language that is inclusive and empathetic, even behind a screen.

Q: What are some other passive-aggressive – or just overused – email conventions not covered in your original piece that are important to highlight?

A: I recently published a new piece in my LinkedIn Newsletter, Supercharge Collaboration, called, “How to Handle the Email Power Play.” In it, I give tips on how to avoid creating resentment and eroding trust in daily work messages such as email. In face-to-face encounters at work, we’ve witnessed power plays like when a boss or older colleague pulls away physically, deliberately turns toward another teammate in a meeting, or suddenly stops making friendly gestures. Or maybe when a teammate begins interrupting you in meetings, leaving you out, or rushing you along, signaling she’s just too busy to chat.

“In our digital age, so much of our communication is rife with ambiguity. … Without a common rule book, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed, even anxious, when we digitally communicate.” Erica Dhawan, author of Digital Body Language

In the digital sphere, power plays are just as common and, some might argue, more pernicious. Online, we’re presented with a host of new ways to engage in power plays, and a screen to shield us from admitting we’re doing so. We can “forget” to CC our colleague, send a slightly unfriendly or scolding follow-up, or opt for a cursory, one-word Slack message. Or we can deliberately delay a reply, start with a passive-aggressive “Per my last email,” or needlessly scold someone for their choice of words. The effect of a pursed lip is now communicated with a punctuation mark or a vague sign-off.

And then some of us might be wrongly accused of digital power plays. These days, an ellipsis can signal anything from passive aggression to disdain. In this way, digital body language exaggerates the messages we send, resulting in intentional and unintentional power plays.

In our digital age, so much of our communication is rife with ambiguity. Each of us has different expectations and instincts about different types of communication, and those expectations and instincts vary across channels. Without a common rule book, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed, even anxious, when we digitally communicate. But checking in about trust and power gaps and acting accordingly can help you communicate with clarity and without ambiguity.

Q: What is “digital body language,” and why is it important?

A: Digital body language is a systematic approach to understanding the signs of the digital world just as we interpret those of the physical world. It identifies and explains the evolving norms and cues of digital communication within organizations, and in doing so it helps to create a set of common expectations for communicating, regardless of distance.

By embedding a real understanding of digital body language into your organization or group, you can implement communication processes that can provide both the structure and the tools to support a silo-breaking, trust-filled environment. This skill, in turn, will lead to enormous efficiencies, as people will spend less time wondering about that period or (lack of) exclamation marks.

Q: Can you share a few do’s and don’ts when it comes to professional emails and other digital communication?

A: Let’s start with what not to do:

• Don’t be hasty or rush. That includes sending a message without proofreading, trying to speed through a conference call to get to the next one or claiming you’re “too busy” to check in with your teams.
• Don’t waste others’ time. That includes double-booking meetings, prioritizing your own schedule over other people’s during the scheduling process, letting conference calls run overlong, sending “urgent” emails that are in no way urgent and allowing useless recurring meetings to remain on the calendar.
• Don’t forget to show gratitude. That includes getting into the habit of written-only communication without including phone or video check-ins where teams can actually hear, “Thank you,” sending vague emails and not crediting everyone on the team when sending in a deliverable.
• Don’t multitask during face-to-face and video meetings. That includes “Just answering a quick text” routinely halfway through meetings, responding to emails and IMs on your laptop, looking down at your phone when others are trying to make eye contact and not putting your notifications on silent or vibrate mode during important discussions.

Q: What are your best tips for improving business communication?

A: These are the four laws of digital body language I outline in my book, and we need them at the forefront of all that we do in the modern workplace.

• Valuing Visibly means we’re always sensitive to other people’s needs and schedules. We understand that reading the emails in our inbox with care and attention is the new art of listening. We’re willing to sit with others’ discomfort without feeling the need to fix or resolve it. It means recognizing other people — and not being in a hurry about it either. Valuing visibly leads to greater levels of respect and trust.
• We Communicate Carefully when we establish unambiguous expectations and norms about which channels we use, what we include in our messages, and whom we include on the recipient list. We know why each person copied on the message is accountable, and who is responsible for the next steps. This goes a long way toward eliminating confusion.
• Collaborate Confidently is about the freedom to take conscious risks while trusting that others will support your decisions. It means managing the fear, uncertainty and worry that define modern workplaces — and understanding that even when things get crazy, employees are there to support one another and work together to avoid failure. It decreases the chance of getting simultaneously trapped between being overattentive and under-attentive, and it frees us up to overcome our habitual fears and uncertainties and move forward to action.
• The last is Trust Totally, which can only happen after the first three laws have been implemented. Trusting totally means you have an open team culture, where everyone knows they are listened to, where everyone can ask for help, and where everyone can grant favors whose return may or may not be immediate. When we trust totally, we get the most out of people.